The Canadian Writers' Collective

Writing, and writerly tangents

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Five CanLit Potters

by Andrew Tibbetts

Hershel Potsky and the Dark Mohel by Mordecai Richler

Hershel approaches his bar mitzvah with apprehension as rumours abound that the Dark Mohel will attempt to reattach haunted foreskins to the worst students at Hogwarts Yeshiva. Hermione rails against restrictive Ministry of Magic language laws. Ron confesses his family’s Goygles roots. Hagrid shtups a Horn-billed Gorncrak.

The Lives of Young Witches by Alice Munro

In a series of linked stories nothing much happens to Hermione.

Expelliamus, Kurt Cobain by Douglas Coupland

Adolescent wizards take drugs, have sex, work at fastfood joints, skip school, attempt to conjure phrases as popular as the ones in their earlier books, etc… Ancient evil seeps through the suburbs. No one can be bothered to lift a wand. Sigh.

Harold Proudcorn and the Feisty Beaver by Tomson Highway

Hermione Shytuna, Ronald Sillyrabbit and Harold Proudcorn are put in charge of the Shaman school prom. In a series of linked dreams adorable woodland animals are unable to settle land claims. Hermione conjures a giant beaver which Ronald will not stop making jokes about. Father Dumbledore touches Harold inappropriately.

Beautiful Wizards by Leonard Cohen

Hogwarts gets a pretty new music teacher and suddenly all the boy wizards are playing the acoustic guitar and singing really long songs with lots of descriptions like ‘You take Hermione to your room above the common room where there’s a stain on the floor and the stain is shaped like a woman and you want to move the garbage can over the stain but your wand is half crazy with love and desire and no one will help you and Hermione smells like orange popsicles and you throw up’. Professor McGonagall turns into a cougar.


Blogger MelBell said...

As a fellow CWCer, is it inappropriate for me to say that I think this is brilliantly hilarious?

Wed Aug 01, 03:51:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Denis Taillefer said...

Ha! So very funny, Andrew. And maybe...

Hey, What About Me? by Robertson Davies

An aging Severus Snape recounts the whole Harry Potter series from his POV, using grand, flamboyant summary narrative throughout, with not a single scene. The book cover is plastered with accolades eloquently written by Davies, himself. I'd tell you more but I'd have to read the book.

Wed Aug 01, 03:56:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger tamara said...

Fantastic fun, Tibbetts. I love what you are able to whip up at the last minute. More, more, more!

Wed Aug 01, 03:58:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Tricia Dower said...

You've done it once more, Andrew, with your unique brand of brilliance. Great fun.

Wed Aug 01, 04:12:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Andrew Tibbetts said...

Denis, I like yours too! But it should be a trilogy.

Wed Aug 01, 06:08:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Chumplet said...

You would do Evil Editor proud. He'd love this stuff!

Definitely a coffee on the keyboard moment. Snerk!

Wed Aug 01, 08:44:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Steve Gajadhar said...

New nominee for favourite post ever! Nice work, Andrew.

Thu Aug 02, 03:42:00 am GMT-4  
Blogger Martin Heavisides said...

Very nice, but Margaret Atwood, Michael Ondaatje and Anne Michaels must have tried their hand at this as well, and shouldn't Northrop Frye be writing a scholarly study?

Thu Aug 02, 06:30:00 am GMT-4  

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