Five CanLit Potters

by Andrew Tibbetts

Hershel Potsky and the Dark Mohel by Mordecai Richler

Hershel approaches his bar mitzvah with apprehension as rumours abound that the Dark Mohel will attempt to reattach haunted foreskins to the worst students at Hogwarts Yeshiva. Hermione rails against restrictive Ministry of Magic language laws. Ron confesses his family’s Goygles roots. Hagrid shtups a Horn-billed Gorncrak.

The Lives of Young Witches by Alice Munro

In a series of linked stories nothing much happens to Hermione.

Expelliamus, Kurt Cobain by Douglas Coupland

Adolescent wizards take drugs, have sex, work at fastfood joints, skip school, attempt to conjure phrases as popular as the ones in their earlier books, etc… Ancient evil seeps through the suburbs. No one can be bothered to lift a wand. Sigh.

Harold Proudcorn and the Feisty Beaver by Tomson Highway

Hermione Shytuna, Ronald Sillyrabbit and Harold Proudcorn are put in charge of the Shaman school prom. In a series of linked dreams adorable woodland animals are unable to settle land claims. Hermione conjures a giant beaver which Ronald will not stop making jokes about. Father Dumbledore touches Harold inappropriately.

Beautiful Wizards by Leonard Cohen

Hogwarts gets a pretty new music teacher and suddenly all the boy wizards are playing the acoustic guitar and singing really long songs with lots of descriptions like ‘You take Hermione to your room above the common room where there’s a stain on the floor and the stain is shaped like a woman and you want to move the garbage can over the stain but your wand is half crazy with love and desire and no one will help you and Hermione smells like orange popsicles and you throw up’. Professor McGonagall turns into a cougar.