The Canadian Writers' Collective

Writing, and writerly tangents

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Truth About Cuddlers

by Antonios Maltezos

We’re horrible monsters. We love cuddling with our wives, but we don’t let them know it. And we never can, either, because everyone knows a real man doesn’t cuddle. He stretches his arm out across his wife’s pillow, and she snuggles in under his armpit, barely breathing, until he starts twitching, saying things like, oomph, you’re cutting off my circulation, babe.

Horrible, horrible, creatures, we are.

And crafty, but only after it’s too late and our backs are to the wall.

“Where’s my box of candies?”

You try getting mad, at first, raising your voice, seeing if that works, but she doesn’t cower, and you soon realize you have to tone it down, or shut up completely, look at your feet, wait, and then check if it’s okay to pucker up. No? You have to beat yourself about the head, then, because you can’t do anything right. “Why am I such a screw-up?” You look down again, for the last time this day, hopefully, or for however long it will take for the dark clouds to pass and she calls you an idiot, which would be some good news, finally, because you play the idiot well.

We’re terrible, even if we’re all cuddlers at heart. Besides, the way we cuddle involves getting a good grip on your wife’s bum cheek, or copping a feel off her breast, as if by mistake. You were only adjusting, getting comfy, almost cuddling. You feel like a weasel, but so what. It’s only natural. You shouldn’t have to ask, or say s’cuse me if it was by accident.

But they do treat us poorly. It isn’t always us. Sometimes, a man just wants his wife in the room when he’s watching TV. It makes him feel good knowing someone will be watching him watching TV, taking mental snapshots of him living, proof of his existence, his witness -- the wife. This is a picture of your dead father watching TV on that day. Except, they seldom take pictures. Instead, they talk about things not-at-all related to the programming.

And she’ll never let you win an argument, and you’ll always believe she’s angry, so you’ll pretend when in bed, that you didn’t know her boob was there. You’ll say s’cuse me this time, because it should have been obvious your angry wife didn’t want your b.o. on her side of the bed. She won’t scold, but she won’t acknowledge you, either, not until you say you want to almost cuddle and grab a good handful of the closest bum cheek.

Terrible, I know.


Anonymous kim said...

I'm not sure, but I think I'm married to you. Hehehe..I feel, hmmm, enlightened? Fun read.

Thu Feb 15, 07:42:00 am GMT-5  
Anonymous suzanne aubin said...

Thanks for the insights, I would have never guessed...Now the glove is down to write the femal counterpart! This was fun, Antonios

Thu Feb 15, 09:59:00 am GMT-5  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha, you've done a great service here with this post, Antonios...


Thu Feb 15, 09:59:00 am GMT-5  
Anonymous CJ said...

funny! My husband definitely would like me to sit on the couch with him more. I love the cuddling, but then I want to get something done!

Thu Feb 15, 10:12:00 am GMT-5  
Anonymous kelly said...

I must admit, me, the wife, that I'm not a cuddler. My husband is. And I use that "you're squishing me, cutting off my ciruclation" line frequently. Hmmmm. But you're right about the whole boob and butt thing. What is up with that??!!

Thu Feb 15, 10:40:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger Tricia Dower said...

Too funny, Tony. I feel like I've been given the secret code to guys at last. Great post.

Thu Feb 15, 10:54:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger Patricia said...

this is excellent!!! oh Tony, it's sooooo perfect and wonderful, last night the canucks were playing, whoohoo, happy valentines day I thought, however, you are soooo right, my husband just wants me there, watching him watch, I have to do it more often, thanks tony, I LOVE THIS POST..XOXO

Thu Feb 15, 10:58:00 am GMT-5  
Anonymous Sherry Allyn Norman said...

Now this is sweet and leaves one to believe in hope for the softer side of man.


Thu Feb 15, 11:13:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger MelBell said...

Antonios, this was funny and incredibly touching.

Thu Feb 15, 11:22:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger Antonios Maltezos said...

Thank you, ladies. And a special thanks to my sweetheart for giving this the go-ahead after checking it for spelling mistakes, and making me cut out those two paragraphs, because, "darling, you've said too much, already."

Thu Feb 15, 11:59:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger Anne C. said...

I was wondering whether or not you had permission to post this.

Thu Feb 15, 12:36:00 pm GMT-5  
Anonymous Bonnie ZoBell said...

Great voice in this, Tony. Such a naughty boy. I want to know what the other paragraphs said ; )

Thu Feb 15, 03:17:00 pm GMT-5  
Blogger srr said...

and I'm thinking from the whole time - from the cuddlee's side - wow, am I lucky! Then when it's gone....alas!

Thu Feb 15, 04:13:00 pm GMT-5  
Blogger Joseph Young said...

Good one, Tony.

Fri Feb 16, 09:30:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger tamara said...

Hmm. Not married, but this is surely some insider trading the boys club is gonna nail you fer ;) Great stuff, Tony.

Fri Feb 16, 02:30:00 pm GMT-5  

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