Seven of Nine (in my case 5 of 13)

by Steve Gajadhar

The Canadian Writer’s Collective (The CWC).

As far as names go, The CWC is rather amorphous, especially that last bit, collective. Down here in the US they already think of us Canadians as socialist pansies, so how do I feel when I direct my American friends to this site and they see The Canadian Writer’s Collective. “Is that like Collectivism?” they ask. “Are you The Borg?”

So just what the hell is The CWC anyway? Good question. Let’s see what collective means and we can go from there. According to dictionary.com a collective is:
Adj.
1. Assembled or accumulated into a whole.
2. Of, relating to, characteristic of, or made by a number of people acting as a group: a collective decision.
Noun
1. An undertaking, such as a business operation, set up on the principles or system of collectivism.

Uh-oh. Collectivism: the socialist principle of control by the people collectively, or the state, of all means of production or economic activity. And here I started into this blog entry thinking that collective and collectivism are miles apart. Fellow CWCers, what have we gotten ourselves into? We’re probably on the CSIS watch list. JTF2 commandos are hiding in the bushes outside Tibbetts’ front door. I’d like to point out that we nominated him as our defacto leader so, watchdogs, if you’re reading this, it’s Tibbetts you want, not me (and, by the way, he turned it down, so we’re leaderless and if that doesn’t scream commie pinko I don’t know what does…). Sorry, Andrew, I guess some American style paranoia is rubbing off on me.

But would CSIS even bother to watch us? Perhaps Canada really is a haven for watered down socialist sympathizers? It can’t be. Can it? Canada doesn’t control production or economic activity? No way. But how can we tell? What’s important to Canadians? And is it in any way socialist or related to the idea of collectivism? We need a rational analysis and a rational scoring system. I propose we use the highly respected scientific method of thumbs up, thumbs down, or thumbs even.

Thumbs up = we’re okay.
Thumbs down = we’re shot.
Thumbs even = it’s a wash.

As for analysis, I’ll approach it from the perspective of a Canadian male because it’s the only one I know. Here we go:

What’s important to Canadians (in no particular order):

1. Hockey: clearly not controlled in any way by Canada. Heck, most of the teams are in the US. When was the last time a Canadian team even won Lord Stanley’s cup? 1993, that’s when, and it was a bit of fluke. It’s not like they brought in a salary cap to control the economics and keep Canadian teams competitive in markets they would otherwise be forced to leave. And, it’s not like almost half the players are Canadian and therefore the NHL would have a vested interest in keeping teams in Canada and keeping us Canadians happy. Wait a sec. I better not dig any deeper. Thumbs even.

2. Booze. Beer. Cokeskeys. Candy. Paralyzers. Okay, so Canada flat out fails here. Most provinces (and territories) have a lock on the sale of all booze products. They regulate availability and price and they make a tidy profit. For example, I just picked up 24 Coors for $14.99. Try getting that deal in Mother Canada. I can even get 12 Moosehead for 11.99 and that’s in Hawaii people, middle of the frickin Pacific Ocean, and a hell of a long ways from the Moosehead brewery in St. John. Thumbs way down.

3. Health Care. I’m torn on this one, clearly a socialist system, but also clearly better than most other systems. But, in the spirit of the scientific method, this is a thumbs down. Harper is working hard toward getting this one to a thumbs even, so check back in a couple years.

4. The Weather. Sounds absurd, but weather is important to Canadians. It’s all we talk about because it’s mostly shitty. But in terms of socialism we’re okay on this because Canada definitely doesn’t control the production of the weather. Thumbs up.

5. The Beaver. The beaver is Important for many reasons (I’m talking about the mammal, sickos). Besides being a noble animal, the Canadian economy is founded on the little rodent. The HBC (now American owned BTW) used to control the economics of the fur trade and employed some dirty tricks to keep it that way for a long time. Taken as a historical weighted average this one’s a thumbs down.

Tally so far: Thumbs up = 1, thumbs even = 1, thumbs down = 3

I better stop before it gets even more lopsided.

So Canada is socialist, so what? Collectivism? Who cares! We all know Canada kicks ass! If I’ve learned anything from my time south of the border it's that when in doubt blind patriotism is the best way to win an argument. The CWC is a rational group of folks. We’re not a “league” or a “movement”. We’re not a bunch of pot smoking, tie dye wearing compound dwellers (well, we don’t hold it against Antonios anyway). We’re the first part of the definition: assembled or accumulated into a whole. Greater than the parts. We’re a synergistic collection of budding talent and an all around sensitive group of socialists. And if anyone has a problem with that I’ll beat them unconscious.

Now. As for, “Are you the Borg?” No, The CWC is not the Borg (isn’t it sad that MSWord recognizes that Borg needs to be capitalized? I won’t comment on the nature of software programmers…). And the reasoning behind this is easy, even the Borg have a leader. We don’t. So there, Yanks. Put that in your 300hp station wagon and waste it.

The CWC. We’re aptly named after all.