The Canadian Writers' Collective

Writing, and writerly tangents

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Military Intelligence, Military Muscle, Military Fabulosity

by Andrew Tibbetts

I read yesterday that the U.S. military once considered developing a chemical weapon which when dropped on enemy soldiers would fill them with irresistible homosexual desire for each other. This “distasteful but completely non-lethal” bomb was conceived to deliver a punishing blow to the enemy’s morale.



There are so many things wrong with this idea that it’s hard to know where to begin. My biggest fear is that I will miss some of them.

Let’s dive in: This plan assumes that ordinarily warriors aren’t hot for each other. Haven’t they heard of the navy? It also assumes a gay army will be an easier adversary. Haven’t they heard of Sparta? Don’t they remember how gay England acted when it had an empire? And just on the basics: the plan demonstrates a breathtaking lack of scientific knowledge, a stunning social psychological ignorance and a flaming insensitivity to irony. Who runs the military’s R+D department? Eleven year old boys? (Apparently the same proposal suggests a fart bomb, and a chemical that gives enemy spies easily detectable bad breath- so perhaps ‘eleven’ is a too sophisticated a conjecture.)

If you’ve ever done a group brainstorming exercise for some corporate job or other, you know the perky hired consultant will encourage you to come up with your craziest, most creative ideas- “at this stage of the game there are no bad ideas, folks, let's send our inner critics out for lunch, think outside the box, I want nutty, I want wild!”- and despite that, you know that no one will suggest a gay bomb.

Sure, I would like to drop a gay bomb on the cast of Ocean’s Thirteen (as long as I wasn’t next to Elliot Gould at point of impact) or on Stephen Harper’s next speech at the Empire Club (as long as I was only watching on closed circuit TV, and hadn’t just eaten,) (do you think this sentence will set off a bell in some CSIS office and get me on a list?) but I know wishes aren’t horses. And gay wishes aren’t pink unicorns cavorting under a giant rainbow- DUCK!- are you gay now? Gayer?

Can you picture the insurgents in Iraq suddenly taking time off their insurgency to spruce up their hidey-holes, invite some of the boys over for a fabulous brunch and settle down to watch My Life on the D-List?- “Omar, have you lost weight? You’ve been working out? Who is he? Is it that Mohammad from the bunker on Fifth Street? I knew it! Girlfriend, you are shameless!”- Eventually, they’ll pair up and adopt Chinese babies. Invest in the Fallujah IKEA now, folks!

Crippling blow to morale, my ass! The world would be a damn sight better after a good gay bombing. Happier, more stylish and with less depressed women. Get to work, military! It’s not getting any more fabulous out here in the real world on its own.


Blogger Tricia Dower said...

What a hoot that they would even consider such a thing. Eleven-year- olds, indeed. They all need sex education.

Wed Jun 13, 12:59:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger MelBell said...

This is hilarious, Andrew.

Wed Jun 13, 02:27:00 pm GMT-4  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Andrew! You handled this beautifully! I could have never tackled such utter ignorance with as much finess as you did.


Wed Jun 13, 05:22:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Amos Arnow said...

gay wishes aren’t pink unicorns cavorting under a giant rainbow

They're not? I am distressed.
(Great Article!!)

Wed Jun 13, 05:31:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Martin Heavisides said...

So who in the cast of Ocean's Thirteen would you like to be next to when the gay bomb went off, Andrew? One choice please, or two for a sandwich max.

Wed Jun 13, 08:07:00 pm GMT-4  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, less depressed women - gotta love it.

The Maple Room

Wed Jun 13, 08:11:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Joseph Young said...

Really funny, Andrew. Do more!

Wed Jun 13, 10:02:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger J.A. McDougall said...

Well done, Andrew, you always make me smile!

Wed Jun 13, 10:11:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Antonios Maltezos said...

Hey, if it'll bring peace and harmonosity to this world -- why not. But it won't be like one big gay bar, will it. I mean, women will be allowed in, right?

Thu Jun 14, 12:19:00 am GMT-4  
Blogger tamara said...

You're fabulous.

Thu Jun 14, 12:34:00 am GMT-4  
Anonymous Ruth Taylor said...

Please, please, please drop one on Harper!

Thu Jun 14, 11:33:00 am GMT-4  
Blogger ~Ainsley~ said...

So funny yet creepy. It reminds me of an episode of South Park where "crab people" tried to make all the men metrosexual sissies by watching Queer Eye so they could take over the world. It's just as plausible.

I think someone dropped a gay bomb on my grad school...maybe it was secret military testing.

Thu Jun 14, 12:38:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Ellen said...

This is freaking hilarious. And I totally understand the not wanting to be next to Elliot Gould when the gay bomb drops on Oceans Thirteen. But do you mind if I pull George Clooney out of the fray first? I have some skirmishes of my own in mind.

Thu Jun 14, 01:04:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Steve Gajadhar said...

Hilarious. And don't be surprised if this thing actually exists! It could be a container filled with DHS produced Queer Eye for the Muslim Guy DVDs.

Thu Jun 14, 02:40:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Chumplet said...

I am rolling on the floor, picking up dog hairs and dust bunnies as I go.

I don't think anyone would want to be next to Elliott Gould, no matter WHAT kind of bomb went off!

Thu Jun 14, 04:47:00 pm GMT-4  
Blogger Patricia said...

you're such a riot!!! you're amazing Andrew...xoxo

Thu Jun 14, 10:25:00 pm GMT-4  
Anonymous Liesl said...

If you ever do a stand up routine, I'll be there, collapsing with hysterics.

Go on, Andrew, the world needs your scathing articulate wit.

Sun Jun 17, 11:38:00 am GMT-4  

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