The Canadian Writers' Collective

Writing, and writerly tangents

Monday, November 06, 2006

My Bio-Fantasy

By Tamara Lee

It's the end of NaNo week one. And things are getting silly.

And I need to write a bio. For a different project.

Wander over there to the left, and you’ll see my bio’s rather paltry. These past few weeks I’ve become quite aware how little I have to reveal. Guess that handful of rejections and list of publications I’m terrified to submit to aren’t worth mentioning. But the more I sub, the more I recognise I need to drum up a bio for query letters and the occasional publication. Then my mind glazes over with a Wayne’s World-style flash and I go south.

Thinking about trying to describe myself, I fall into a cheesy fantasy about being interviewed for that novel I’ve not written. The one I’m working on. And as I spiral deeper and deeper, I see the interviewer is Jon Stewart (‘cause it’s my fantasy, dammit) and he has maybe even read my book and I am trying not to giggle, or stare at the bald spot he attempts to hide because I’m in bald-Jon-Stewart denial (and judging by his recent almost-combover, so is Jon Stewart).

Okay, so maybe I’ll bring this fantasy north, and think of someone up here who’ll maybe read my book (and my bio, neither of which I’ve written yet). Someone like Daniel Richler. Yes, maybe he’ll read my novel. And I’d try not to look at his bald spot either, but I’d certainly swoon at his big words and dry humour. And I’d not giggle at all, because it’s Daniel Richler and with him it’d be chuckles. Yes, I’d chuckle with Daniel; snicker with Jon. And then there’s the pretty Trudeau boy, not the teacher-turn-mini-icon one, the other one, the one who makes those earnest documentaries. Yes, maybe he’d read my bio, I mean book. If ever I’d finish either.

So my fantasy has now turned into a round-table event, with Jon and Daniel and pretty-Trudeau-boy. And me. And I’ve written my bio and I’ve written my book and I’m not giggling. (I will not giggle). And it’s all very informative and jocular. Except for the big bottle of gel on the table, which the boys are using, not on me, alas, but on their thinning hair-dos. Daniel, a most virile adopted-Richler, uses the least (although perhaps his brother Jacob is virile, too, but he wrote an article that pissed me off once, thus sullying my childhood Jacob Two-Two crush forever.)

So anyway, the fellas, as I’ll be calling them, are all arguing over which passage of the book is most inspiring or something. Jon’s at a loss for words first, which is sort of surprising for him; and the Trudeau fella, he just becomes brooding or pensive. It’s Daniel who perseveres and says things more poignant than the novel could ever say, but I forgive him because he has all his hair and his brother is Jacob bloody Two-Two. And, and…

And I realise I still have over 40,000 NaNo words to go.

And I still haven’t written my bio.

So, wha'? Do you think this one is too long?


Blogger Anne C. said...

The audience is allowed to giggle, I hope.

Mon Nov 06, 07:44:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger MelBell said...

Can I borrow Jon when you're finished with him?

Mon Nov 06, 09:24:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger Antonios Maltezos said...

Ha! Great bio, Tamara. And honest, too, because it's impossible to write a novel and not fantasize about the signings, the tours, the interviews.

Mon Nov 06, 09:32:00 am GMT-5  
Blogger J.A. McDougall said...

Thank you for making me smile today Tamara, I love your witty style.

Mon Nov 06, 12:25:00 pm GMT-5  
Blogger Tricia Dower said...

Can't believe you've got time to blog AND write a novel. And you've managed to write a bio that reveals nothing. Well done!

Mon Nov 06, 02:13:00 pm GMT-5  
Blogger tamara said...

(chuckle chuckle) I was wondering as I wrote this at 2 am if it was just lack of sleep allowing me to be amused by this; I'm glad it translated okay into the daylight hours ;)

Yes, I am fatigued. I'm working my day job 6 days a week, writing the NaNo at 2000-plus words per day, preparing several submissions for deadlines. Plus my apartment looks like a tsunami hit it. You BC'ers know what I'm talking about: It's been raining nearly-non stop for five days. Tsunami inside and out here in V-town.

Fantasy and fatigue, that's all I have right now, but storms they do end...

Mon Nov 06, 04:20:00 pm GMT-5  
Blogger Patricia said...

i love this!!! sooo hilarious, I fantasize too, about the novel I've yet to write, we'll be interviewed together, cept my interview is with Oprah...and well...barbara wah wah the night of the academy awards after I accept my best screenplay, although I've never written a screenplay, Oscar...xoxo and the rain stopped!!! we saw the sky today!!!

Tue Nov 07, 10:23:00 pm GMT-5  
Anonymous judy macinnes jr. said...

hullo my lovely:

i just love anne cameron's bio:
anne cameron lives in canada

sorry we've lost touch since i left ceebs. let's get back in touch. email me if you can at

let's do coffee, wine or tea (and.or) on main street, eh? and catch up?

Thu Nov 23, 01:41:00 pm GMT-5  
Anonymous Averol said...

nice article

Tue Sep 01, 04:35:00 am GMT-4  

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